I’m used to being a freak.
I never really fit in, I’m awkward as ass, and I’ve always struggled in personal relationships often due to my crappy health (most people assume that I’m avoiding them because no one gets THAT sick THAT often).
Obviously, I have no problem with sex…
…Though, the loss of my virginity after all the drama, secrecy and finger wagging was…disappointing. I remember thinking ‘This is it? This is what people get all their knickers in a twist over? Damn…I could have skipped this and gotten two extra hours of sleep before I start work in the morning.’
After that, I thought…well…maybe I just didn’t do it right….
So, I ended up doing it. A lot. Every chance I got in every way I could within safe, sane, and legal limits. I found myself going on auto pilot…After all, I’m an actress, and a damn good one….every sexual partner I’ve ever had, if questioned, will undoubtedly tell you they rocked my proverbial world. But it was often like the real me, the core of my pleasure, had shrunken back and was somewhere inside my body…too small and ethereal to be reached by the average slightly drunk joe, so why bother trying to guide him?
I don’t know what made me want him…
Freud would have loved me, because the men who really capture my attention are like my Father: Dark hair, dark eyes, facial hair and emotionally impotent. Yep, I freely admit to being a ‘Daddy Issues’ cliche of the most depressingly textbook order.
I was introduced to D in an intensive acting course…our first interaction was an improvised scene in which he called me a cunt then grabbed me as if he were going to kiss me and we had one of those moments of being body to body, eye to eye, breathing heavily in sync.
….What the fuck?
It was about 3 years later when I finally made a move. I had had a fling with his D’s former roommate (without knowing it) and he had ‘introduced’ us. It was an early summer evening and D’s apartment building had a pool and a sauna that we snuck into in the dead of night after one too many margaritas. Never being terribly modest or shy, the three of us went skinny dipping…leaning out of the water to share a cigarette, laughing, until D’s former roomie looked at D and said ‘She’s so beautiful….isn’t she incredible?’
I turned to face D in the water….I had no idea how my skin could have such a palpable flush in a swimming pool but my heart went into my throat when I saw those eyes…..
And the first night (and the many that followed) I thought…’THIS is it….this, what I feel right now..this connection…THIS is what people get so worked up over. Everything else up to this wasn’t anything close to what I feel, here and now.’ I was connected to my body every moment I spent with D.
D is for Delightful….Drinking….Destruction….
D and I are no longer together and are not on speaking terms…and honestly, if I could have the memory wipe from ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ I think I would be a happier person…..because for all the faults and severe pain that tended to color our bad times, the good times gave me the flavor of what it was like to get the kind of love, physically and emotionally, I truly deserved.
And now, I’m screwed…
I realized, as I got more into the domination side of phone sex and explored it in my personal life….I may want sex, but after D….I just can’t see giving it up to your average internet dating site troller in the hopes of more or at least scratching an itch.
So, technically, I’m not screwed…going on 5 years.
I suppose I get more sex then most death row inmates with a ticking clock and a case of nymphomania..it’s all different kinds in all different places….I have everything from sensual, loving encounters to Cirque du Soleil freaky orgies…but has another person penetrated my eternal enigma.
And with D forever in my head, I don’t know that anyone ever will.